(#08) What should a dad...
know, have a vision for, and do.
I like goals. I like the clear sense of direction they provide, and I like the objective standard to measure whether I’m actually moving in that direction.
I’ve become a lot more structured and organized with goal-setting and habits over the last decade, but I’ve had to unlearn a lot of that as a parent. Much of being a parent has been just being attentive and responsive to the people in my family, and often being willing to let go of goals.
But two years into this journey, I think that tendency still has something to offer to parenting. Being attentive and responsive keeps you up to date on what your kids need in the moment, but doesn’t always prepare you for what’s ahead.
There are some things that I know I need to know, do, or keep up with in order to give my kids what they need. I probably won’t get any immediate feedback if I’m not doing these things, which is why it’s important to have my own objective standards. With that, here’s a list I put together of what I think a dad should know, have a vision for, and do.1
I’d love to hear what you think of this list, and more importantly, what would be on yours?
A Dad Should…
Know…
What likely growth milestones are coming up in the next six months to a year?
And related, what does he need to do to prepare for them?
His kids’ teachers and his kids’ friends.
Which relationships are most important to his kids and where are they positive and challenging?
How to manage the kids alone for an appropriate amount of time (different for a breastfeeding infant than a kid who isn’t dependent on mom for all sustenance). But a good goal is that mom can take a weekend away as early as possible.2
His main deficiencies that impact his family relationships, and how to manage those well.
A variety of different parenting perspectives. Takes in wildly different parenting books, videos, podcasts, etc. to get a better sense of what he does and doesn’t agree with.
Have a Vision…
The emphasis here is a shared vision between mom and dad (if together). The standard should be, (a) how clear is this, and (b) how aligned are both of us on these for our family? Differences of opinion are ok, but what’s important is having some sameness of direction and an understanding of how to handle the differences.
Mom and dad should together have a vision for…
The virtues and values they want to cultivate in their kids. Ideally a list somewhere.
Discipline - how do the parents believe discipline plays a role in their family and how do they ideally and in practice do that with their kids?
Life Skills - what are the skills that mom & dad are responsible for teaching their kids (that they don’t expect to come from school). For example:
Housework - putting things away, keeping a room tidy, cooking
Managing your life - setting goals, organizing and managing your time.
Finances - saving and investing money
Interpersonal skills - talking to strangers, having healthy relationships with people.
Family Rituals - what things will the family do together to connect and to grow as people (traditions, family dinners, a “marriage meeting” for mom & dad to check in, church, etc.).
Education - what’s important for your kids to get in an education? What are the options out there for you (different school options, homeschooling, extracurriculars, etc.), and have a reasonably well thought-out plan for the education you want your kids to get.
Show Them…
Selfless love…for them. for his spouse. for others.
Self-respect. He’s not a doormat and shows them that his needs and feelings are worth expressing and advocating for (and that they deserve the same).
How to believe in something.
The same values and virtues he wants to see in his kids.
Practice…
Bringing his kids along for errands, projects, even work!, whenever possible.
A regular “learning time” habit. Picks some area of each child’s development and makes a regular practice of investing in that (practicing a sport or an instrument, learning about some subject that’s important).
Regular 1:1 time with each child, in a way that encourages the child to open up.
An objective standard of presence. It’s too easy to be on the phone or check out at the end of the day. Has some clear parameters for what his engagement with kids will look like so he can both enforce those standards and evaluate whether he’s measuring up (i.e. no phones between 5 and 7 PM, specially carved out block of time each day to just play with one child).
I don’t do all of these now - some of these are things I need to keep practicing, some of them are things I want to live up to. I suspect this list will keep evolving but this is what I see as a dad to a 2 year old and a 2 month old.
I was recently talking to someone who took their 5, 3, and 1 year old on a solo plane trip, and…this might have unlocked a new stretch goal for me).